I’m in my 30s and the middle of three sisters. We live in different parts of the UK, so we rarely meet, but we stay in touch by phone and try to see each other a few times a year.

Growing up, my older sister became like a mother to me and my younger sister because our own mother was harsh, critical, and emotionally distant. Now, we barely speak to our mother. However, over the past few years, my relationship with my older sister has become strained. I miss our closeness and worry about her, as she seems overwhelmed and stressed.

She has two young children. Her eldest child has behavioral challenges, and while my sister handles them well, her relationship with her partner is tense. I believe this tension affects her child’s anxiety. She insists she doesn’t need help, but I feel powerless to support her. My younger sister avoids the situation but agrees she’s stressed and takes it out on others.

I spoke to psychotherapist Lisa Bruton, who suggested my sister might have been a “parentified” child. This means she was forced to act like a parent to us because our mother wasn’t there emotionally. Bruton explained that parentified children often become overly independent and resentful, especially as parents themselves. “You can’t fix this,” she said, “but understanding it might help.”

Bruton advised me to see my sister as a flawed person, not a perfect parent. She recommended talking to her face-to-face or writing a letter, as messages can be misunderstood. Meeting alone, without family, could help. She also suggested doing something relaxed together, like a walk or coffee, to rebuild connection.

If my sister avoids the conversation, Bruton said to gently say, “I care about you. Can I explain why I’m worried?” She added that my sister might not realize how toxic her home environment has become, as stress and arguments may feel normal to her. Bruton also thought talking to her partner might help, as he could be struggling too.

Finally, Bruton stressed the importance of being a stable, loving aunt to her children. Even small gestures like sending cards or voice notes could make a big difference, especially if their home life is unstable.