I am in my 30s and the middle of three sisters. Though we live in different parts of the UK and rarely meet in person, we stay in regular contact and try to reunite a few times a year.

My older sister has always been a maternal figure to me and my younger sister, as our biological mother was volatile, emotionally distant, and hypercritical. We now have minimal contact with her. However, in recent years, my relationship with my older sister has grown increasingly strained. I miss the bond we once shared, but I’m also deeply worried about her mental state – she appears chronically stressed and overwhelmed.

She has two young children; her eldest exhibits challenging behavioural issues. While my sister manages them admirably, her relationship with her partner is fraught with tension. I believe this dynamic exacerbates her child’s anxiety. Though she insists she doesn’t need help, I feel powerless to support her. My younger sister acknowledges her stress but avoids involvement, noting she often takes her frustrations out on others.

I consulted psychotherapist Lisa Bruton, who theorised that my sister was likely a “parentified” child — forced into a parental role during childhood due to our mother’s emotional absence. Bruton explained that such individuals often become overly self-reliant yet resentful, particularly when they become parents themselves. “This isn’t something you can resolve,” she clarified, “but understanding her background may help you reframe your expectations.”

Bruton stressed the need to view my sister not as an infallible caregiver but as a vulnerable peer with her own struggles. She advised initiating a face-to-face conversation or writing a thoughtful letter, as digital messages risk miscommunication. Meeting privately, without family distractions, could foster openness. She also suggested rebuilding trust through low-pressure activities, like shared hobbies or casual outings.

If my sister resists discussing her struggles, Bruton recommended gently expressing concern: “I care about you. Could I share why I’m worried?” She hypothesised that toxic dynamics between my sister and her partner may have normalised conflict, making her oblivious to the stress permeating their home. Bruton encouraged me to discreetly check on her partner, as his wellbeing might also be compromised.

Lastly, Bruton emphasised the importance of being a consistent, nurturing presence in her children’s lives. Small gestures — cards, voice messages, or occasional visits — could provide emotional stability, especially if their home environment remains turbulent.