Camelot Harris for Presidentress

Ever since the presidential debate of June 27, 2024, at which it became abundantly clear that Joe Biden is non compos mentis, and probably has been that way for quite some time (if not for his entire term), it also became abundantly clear that there was just one way for him to win a second term: kill Trump. And then just yesterday, on Saturday, July 13, at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania, a bullet grazed Trump's ear while other bullets killed one rally attendee and injured another. The would-be assassin was shot and killed on the spot by the Secret Service; were he not, a Jack Ruby would have had to finish him off later.

Shooting presidents in this manner is highly traditional in America and, seeing as the Biden clan is incapable of coming up with anything new, this is how it had to be. The Biden clan (which, of course, would deny all responsibility) now deserves to be called The Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight. Some wags instantly chimed in with an obvious quip: the gunman aimed for Trump but hit Biden. Trump is now not just favored to win; he is also a martyr and, if that weren't enough, a fighter, defiantly waiving his fist in the air as the Secret Service belatedly struggled to wrestle him to the ground.

It would seem that the path to his second term is now open for Trump, with Biden begged to bow out by every oxygen-breathing being out there. Not so fast! There is his vice-presidentress Kamala, who can step into the breach and run against Trump. For this purpose, she should rebrand herself as "Camelot Harris" and position herself as the Philosopher Queen, ready to pose as a national figurehead for the next eight years. Some of the philosophical aphorisms she has already produced are absolute gems. "Today's tomorrow will become yesterday the day after tomorrow."

This is exactly the sort of soothing, healing talk that's needed to pretend to run a thoroughly bankrupt, hopelessly corrupt, morally degenerate country that has no future. As far as debating Trump, Kamala can win by hammering home just one point: Trump is full of hot air and doesn't have a plan. "You have been saying for a long time now that you will make America great again. By when will you do so? What's the end date for this deliverable? Are there any interim milestones?" And as far as Kamala's own plan, America is already great, always was, always will be, from sea to shining sea, spacious skies, shining sea... (as she gazes wistfully into the distance). Beyond that, she could do well by recycling tired old political tropes. "Do you have a dream?" she could shout out repeatedly at rallies, and then leave it at that. "Ask not what I can do for you!" she could intone, summoning all possible gravitas. The possibilities are endless.

Some may say that not enough people would want to vote for Camelot Harris, but that's a purely technical issue and easily fixed. All that's needed is lots of buses to drive illegal immigrants from polling station to polling station in the swing states, where at each one they would impersonate former residents who remain on voter registration rolls. And if that's not enough, the democrats can bring out their dead, mailing off ballots filled out in their names. There are enough dead democrats to elect a yellow dog, if need be. Since voters in the non-swing states are trained to pull the right lever in the voting booth like so many lab rats, their votes won't matter; nor will anyone else's. The United States is not a democracy... now, where have I heard that before?

And it doesn't matter who is president, so Presidentress Camelot Harris, the Philosopher Queen should fit the bill very nicely. You may disagree, but then your opinion on this question doesn't matter unless you are an American, and doubly so if you are.