📝 IELTS paragraph rewrite: Coherence and Cohesion 📝

Here is a student's paragraph. Why does CC attract attention here?

Topic: "Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion."

📝 Original:

"Conversely, in my estimation, adolescents are better served by pursuing further education at a tertiary institution. Primarily, academic qualifications are imperative in numerous professions. For instance, aspiring teachers, doctors, or lawyers cannot be employed without completing relevant university programs and obtaining degrees. Consequently, graduates possess access to a broader spectrum of job opportunities and typically receive more lucrative remuneration compared to those lacking higher education credentials. Moreover, the job market is becoming increasingly competitive, with hundreds vying for a single position. Candidates without a college or university education are usually unable to compete with graduates on equal footing."

Because it relies the same type of cohesive devices in every sentence (but the last one, where cohesion is missing).

📝 Here is my rewrite:

"However, I believe that adolescents are better served by pursuing further education at a tertiary institution. The main reason is that academic qualifications are imperative in numerous professions. Some obvious examples are teachers, doctors, or lawyers, who cannot be employed without completing relevant university programs and obtaining degrees. This means graduates possess access to a broader spectrum of job opportunities and typically receive more lucrative remuneration compared to those lacking higher education credentials. Another reason is that the job market is becoming increasingly competitive, with hundreds vying for a single position. The most common result of this is that candidates without a college or university education are unable to compete with graduates on equal footing."

This is not the only possible rewrite. If you are feeling creative, you can play around with this paragraph even more and change cohesion by making changes to sentences structures. Try your hand in the comments.