Dear diary, 

it's been over a month since 'the special war operation' has started.

Every day I can see the photos from the U. and wonder how can this be possible..

Every morning I wake up, and for a second I only feel joy about a new day, but in moments I remember and my mind gets messed up.

In the first weeks of the operation I created several dolls or it's more like soft sculptures to express my feelings.

First days were very different to what I feel now.

It seemed possible that I personally could change anything.

The whole world demanded from me and every single person in this country to speak up and change and stop and do things.

One month later, we have new laws, thousands of Russians and Ukrainians were forced to leave Russia.

Dozens of the arrests, dozens of the criminal cases.

Those who leave country are called traitors now.

I wonder when they can come back? If they can?

The last days I try to find the reasons... Not political reasons, but need to understand, why so many Russians support this operation.

To me, a life of a person is a gift and evolution means people can talk and find solutions in a dialogue, no weapon needed.

I never wondered what it could feel like to live during a war and it seems surreal to open social media and see my friends posting bombed cities they can see with their own eyes.

I try to live on and work on.

During this month I sold a bunch of dolls and I feel a little bit comfortable about that. Anything that is about stability is a gift too, now.

I will try to create some more dolls and share useful info for my fellow artists.

Every day brings new troubles, new solutions, new tears, new fears, new hopes.

I try to keep up with my life and work AND not to loose my focus exploring why this is happening.

I now understand one person can't just simply do anything about a 'special operation'. But people who follow me online tell me they read my thoughts and this makes them want to think and change the situation too.

Maybe we can do something after all. Step by step. Starting with this looking for the reasons, trying to understand and heal our poisoned souls and minds.

I feel like this has been not a month, but a whole year.

Too much to take in. 

But still coping and hoping!