Thank you so much for all the support y'all!!! 😭
I was very hesitant on making another crowdfunding as I feel very guilty and full of self-disgust because I still was not recovering and escaping russia with all this financial and emotional aid from so many wonderful people, but thanks to some of my very kind friends - I do have a sliver of acceptance that at least some of it is not my fault.
Being sexually assaulted happened at the worst possible time (that's when I was the most excited and hopeful that I was recovering) by the worst possible person (not going to get into it, but I trusted him a lot without realizing that he was grooming me even before I was 18).
Then it took me a long time to even process that I was still alive and had a chance at recovery.
Then it took me a long time to even process that I was still alive and had a chance at recovery.
It took ALL of my strength to do one big step and I used that strength to change my documents legally to female and even though I'm incredibly happy that I did it and it's the ONLY accomplishment in past few years that I'm proud of, I feel so much regret and guilt that I didn't put that energy into moving.
I probably wouldn't have been able to fly out anyways as COVID-19 was rampant and borders were very iffy on being open (understandably so), but the guilt is stronger than the reason.
I probably wouldn't have been able to fly out anyways as COVID-19 was rampant and borders were very iffy on being open (understandably so), but the guilt is stronger than the reason.
For the past several years it felt like every month or so something shitty would happen to me that would dampen all the recovery progress I made, but now I realize that some of it was just me actually recovering and becoming hopeful enough to get back in touch with reality and reality is harsh. Although in all fairness I also was/am incredibly unlucky and still am getting shitty news out of left field every 3 weeks or so.
It still feels like life is kicking me with a metal boot every few weeks, but those kicks don't feel malicious anymore - they feel like kicks to see if I'm still alive.
Today is a big day for me. With all the extra support y'all sent me for this month, I was able to book one therapy appointment (still too expensive to keep it up regularly) that I so desperately need. In 2 hours I will be talking to my therapist and I have so much pain to pour out. Excited!
Also Zoloft appeared on shelves once more and I will try to get a pack today. Still waiting for an answer from my psychiatrist on what I should switch to as every year Zoloft is more and more painful to find and russian generics are frankly awful.
Going outside for that is going to be scary, but I managed last time and those two panic attacks were expectable, so I could handle them somewhat. I hope going outside will also give me exposure therapy which I desperately need.
Going outside for that is going to be scary, but I managed last time and those two panic attacks were expectable, so I could handle them somewhat. I hope going outside will also give me exposure therapy which I desperately need.
I love y'all. Even though it's hard to lose a few of my most precious friends, I'm glad that I still have so many people that understand how much of a mess I am and still are here for me.
Sorry for being such a burden. I am trying my hardest to become less of a ball of pain and misery so I don't scare away more friends than I already have, but it's difficult. Especially with a war going on.