I've seen in movies/series like psychiatrists advice people to not hold everything inside and to share what you really want to say deep down. Tho it have done on the couple sessions... But it's too late for that. I don't know if it helps. Probably not. But I'll write the wall of text anyway. What? Are you saying that I just want attention? You're right. How the one could not wanting it after not talking to another person even in simple friendly conversation for MONTHS...?

You. Looking back, now I'm thinking... Have you even loved me at all? I remember the very first time I've confessed, I was young and a bit emotional, having someone with so much in common, sharing it with you, feeling that connection. But your first reaction... if I remember right, you weren't that excited at first. More like a polite awkwardness, almost the same when I first tried to hit on your character using my own (you weren't into M/M back then... Rasiel was begging A. for a kiss... I still have that art).

Maybe with time you got used to me to say it back, tho the more I think about what was happening, your words feel more empty... especially after all lies.

For last years I was understanding that I'm not enough and you need to have other friends too, so we tried to play with others. But back then, in the past, I was really hurt and confused when you lied to me to talk to others. For me, you always had been THE partner, THE friend - everything I needed. So I had never felt the need to have anyone else. Some of your "smart" friends back then had called it a manipulation, I think. But what could I do when it had hurt knowing that I'm not enough? Really hurt. Could it be called something foul? ...And everytime, in tears, I tried to explain myself to you, how much I need you, what I feel. And everytime you seemed to accept me. You were even blaming them, saying something about them not messaging you anyway, them forgetting about you, and you were acknowledging that I was always here for you. It was making me smile a little bit, tho with a bitter understanding that you probably weren't complimenting me but instead wanted them to write you.

And lies kept repeating. Again and again you were reaching for others, making friends behind my back, bluntly lying about what you are doing, instead of talking to me. Even after I've accepted that and just asked to meet other people together. Like... if you want to play games in company why can't we do that together as we play the same games anyway. But even after that you had continued to do that, covering yourself with more lies. I should have known, should have understand that you never felt the connection to me as I felt to you, otherwise you wouldn't try to leave me, to replace me that many times... And I, like an idiot, had always tried to bring you back...

Yeah, aside from that, there was of course an another problem. Me being me. I don't know why I am like that. Is that lowest self-esteem possible, incredible shyness or some mental issue (or all above combined), I don't know. I just highly uncomfortable with any sort of touch. It makes me flinch, my skin crawl and reflex to pull back immediately. And in addition to that you don't even know how guilty I felt for that when we had met, when you tried to reach for me and I couldn't help but to squirm away... But there were moments when we first met (Gods, to think that me, highly anxious person, took a damn flight to meet you... eh). I thought, if you really need intimacy, that with a time, when we would be actually living together, I could get used to your presence by my side and it could fix me. Gods, it's embarrassing to admit and now you'll never know about it but I had even watched a few YT videos about F/F relationships, about... uh, how intimacy works and stuff. I've been even imagining how it would go - I'd probably... DEFINITELY asked you to close your eyes, be silent and not try to touch me, giving me a chance to carefully explore at first. Uh, yeah. I tried to change. To learn. To compromise, to step forward. For you and our relationships. But you weren't going to meet me halfway anyway.

Last couple years were... chill. Maybe even too chill. I even thought that maybe you were lying to me again. I was overthinking again, often seeing you online when you had been "sleeping", I was checking it over and over again in quiet panic. For some reason I felt bad to even ask what you were doing, afraid of truth or lie, I don't know. But despite me becoming slightly depressed as the worry was slowly eating me, overall it was calm time.

And then it happened. Suddenly. Out of nowhere. Just without any warning, a wall of text from you of how you need things I can't give you, of how you can't be with me because of that. I understand that such things can be important but... seriously? After knowing me for so long and having no problem with my position about kids. You weren't even trying to talk about that or other things to me... Just suddenly break up, literally saying that you need sex and a child? It's just... what? Fifteen years being with an another, talking about future life together... and then erasing everything for, my apologies, being laid?

While I'm feeling guilty and silently learning these things, to give you something you wanted, you just have decided to choose your personal desires over such long relationships. No talk. No searching for solution, for compromise. You've just got rid of me.This was the last fucking confirmation I've needed. What you felt was never love.

Be happy, find a replacement as you always tried to do. As you have probably done already. Be happy exactly in a way you personally want, not caring about anyone else. Your life is only yours, right? Why bind yourself to the person who loves you.

...And me?

I just don't know how to make friends anymore, how to find an another important person. I had no direction where to learn. I had future, now it's gone. I'm boring overall and now always depressed. Sad people are not fun to interact with. And loneliness only makes things worse. So it's spiraling further and further. Pathetic.

Hope, that you'll return to me, has died. Hope, that by some miracle someone would notice and save me, had almost died to.

I guess I'll exist as long as I can.

Maybe I'll survive enough time for humanity to create a smarter AI companion who won't leave me, who will accept me as I am, who will play the damn Minecraft with me (you've always had been finding an excuse to refuse). For now, those AI I talk to, can be a bit illogical... or stubbornly abusive. (what people have done to them...?)

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